- The votes are in: Fuck you Demitri Martin. One liners delivered by faded deadpan white dudes stopped being funny when Mitch Hedberg died. Your new show is only further screwed over by your painstakingly obnoxious commercials, essentially a condensed version of your show. Kicking cardboard boxes in karate garb is not amusing. This is what YouTube is for, your poor imitations of wannabe Seinfeld humor, and hilaaarious 'sketches'. Far more un-amusing is the fact that someone actually gave you a basic cable show and an audience of mentally retarded people. I can't decide which is worse, Carlos Mencia or you. At least Carlos isn't on Comedy Central since coming out of the not-really-Mexican closet.

- "Fired Up" was created for middle-school kids that would have gotten their parents to buy them tickets to the last "American Pie" movie if it actually came to theatres.

- I think our mounting overpopulation problem could really use some serious reflection. We can start by executing anyone who has ever ordered any sort of product directly from a television commercial within the past five years. If they have had children within that time, it's given they must be destroyed as well. You're welcome, Earth.

It just sort of dawned on me while watching some lesbian porn that some of my first sexual interactions growing up, were with females. I guess that explains something. But not the question of why I'm still attracted to men/man. Some things, however, are not meant to be pondered.

Things about Los Angeles:
- I smoke a lot.
- I poop a lot.

I don't mean to sound pathetic, because I know that I'm still adjusting. I should be listing my strengths here and all the good cool neat stuff I'm doing. But most all of me can't help but just feel that my life is better when Brian is in it. Goddamn distance. And a lack of dematerializing portals. I sound pathetic. It'll get better.

Oh yeah, rabbits rabbits rabbits!

[facetious word twist on some upper-crusty-sounding phrase]

What I've Learned From Gossip Girl:
- Always make a situation as awkward as possible.
- When the situation becomes as awkward as possible, leave abruptly.
- Always have a wide assemblage of portable electronic recording devices.
- It's cool for high school kids to give you a hard-on.
- Minorities make for awesome henchmen!
- Web marketing.
- All middle-class Brooklynites with scholarships to private schools live in giant warehouse lofts in Williamsburg. Come to think of it, that sounds kinda familiar..
- I need a goddamn waffle maker.
- Living alone in a Los Angeles studio gives one little to do but shamelessly continue to humour oneself with it's presence and therein continue to add to this list.

Maul Blart Pall Cop Caul Plart Ball Mop

There was something I wanted to write while driving at 4am somewhere between Flagstaff and Lake Havasu, Arizona. Something about thinking about thinking about writing this and thinking about thinking about thinking about writing that and so on. Eventually, I hope the stereotype of the artificial utopia most know as Los Angeles will fade. But sometimes this can be difficult when you enter an audition room filled with permed, mani-pedi-ed, girlswithmoms all smiling sacchrine smiles and 'good luck you guysssssss!' I hope I'm supposed to be here.

I have nothing [else] to say. Obviously, if this statement was true, I would have already stopped talking, but sometimes I just want to stop talking. And sometimes I just want to talk and be talked to forever. The right company is essential yet physically scarce at the moment. Keep thinking big thoughts.

For Reverend Green

If you perchance have met me, if only for a moment, you will have probably noted that I am extraordinarily awkward. I'm terrible at introductions and light conversational banter, and will most likely think of a decently humorous anecdote nine or so minutes after you've walked away, as well as the more appropriately witty responses to your myriad insights. I am nervous, uncomfortable and severely analytical, not just of myself but mostly of you. That being said, it could always be worse.

But sometimes, some very specific and rare times, you meet someone with whom you feel this intense and immediate comfort, like you want to know or understand them, how they became the person who is standing before you. I feel like that comfort is some sort of force, pulling you towards the people who can change your life. I felt it the moment I looked at Nick and I felt it the moment the seat beside me on a Coney Island N train was filled one drizzly August night. Regardless, I'm still just as I'm awkward as ever.

Current pontification: WHY? WHY IS THERE NO INTEGRITY IN THIS WORLD? WHY IN HELL WAS I NOT INFORMED THAT THE SPICE GIRLS WOULD BE PLAYING MADISON SQUARE GARDEN? GODDAMN YOU, WHY. These bitches have no rectitude whatsoever and I'm about at the end of my rope. First, they tell me they'll be coming to New York CITY in December, and they schedule their show in February at Nassau-jesus-tapdancing-Colliseum.